Today I am wanting someone.

I want someone.
someone to hold me all night,
someone's clothes to wear,
someone's love to giggle about.

But I know I cannot handle a relationship. I just cannot.
They are one of my biggest fears now. I know that is completely and totally irrational and stupid. But when I was hanging out with Jay, all I could think about was how he was different from Kyle, and in some cases that was simply the best thing ever. However, in others: it was horrible.

I see so many beautiful couples, and my heart sinks a little bit. They hold each other up when the other is weak, they whisper sweet words into each other's ear when they're sad. Girl's boyfriends bring them lunch, or flowers.   Boyfriends that care. A faithful girl runs into the waiting arms of her lover. I want to look at someone and see that he is already looking back: I want all of that. But my head and my heart are on two opposing teams right now.

My head tells me that someday someone will come along, whether it's this summer, next year, or when I am thirty, I know someone will come along and change the way I view relationships. He will be everything that I have hoped for and dreamed for.

But my heart, on the other hand, is as guarded as possible. My heart knows pain is an inevitable feat that I will someday have to deal with, again, but it doesn't want to. The way I see it, it's just not worth it. I'm so freaking scared.
scared.
scared.
scared.
SCARED.


I miss being younger. Life is getting thrown out in front of me, and don't get me wrong, I am excited as hell, but I yearn for when heartbreak was loosing my stuffed puppy, when the only reason I cried was when I didn't get to go where I wanted. I miss the innocence that I had when all of my brother's friends would make a joke that flew right over my head. Times when homework was a "mad minute" worksheet and spelling words.
Now homework is geometry, history, biology and literature, consisting of formulas, wars, punnet squares and reading the most uninteresting pieces of old American Literature. I know what heartbreak is now: it's your mother sleeping in her daughter's bed because she can't stand her husband. It's losing the love of your life. Those dirty jokes that are crude and nasty don't even phase me. I have a job, I have a car. A phone bill to pay. Insurance to pay for. Gas to pay for. College to save up for. It's all just so.. suffocating.

Life was so much simpler.

It never has taken much to make me whole entire day.
It's just finding someone who is willing to do all the small things, in big ways.