breathe. what have i done here?

This blog is all at random. It may not, probably won't, make any sense.
sorry.

There has been an immense amount of "crap" surrounding me lately.

The death of my Uncle Jesse David shook my world a week ago. A week and it still hurts. It's still fresh in my mind. He really was a great man; never had a negative word to say about anyone. Me? I don't have the self control he had. I am so awful in the sense that I can't handle my reactions to things. And lately I have had an even more difficult time dealing with everything.

I have earthquake dreams. They shake me to the core and I don't like it. I can't stand it.

In no way is this a pity party for Kris by the way. Simply a chance for me to vent. Don't like me? Then get the hell off my blog. You're here to make sure I'm not writing about you? Then leave, because this isn't about you. This one's about me. Judge what you want. I'm just being real. Trying to make sense of my crazy, amazing, perfectly imperfect life.

My dreams. Well, nightmares. They come within the first 10 minutes of me falling asleep. They hang over me as a cloud. Haunting me as I lie in bed, desperately reach for some sleep.  I close my eyes and the darkness is illuminated by a shadow. Someone's outstretched arms pulling me in, yearning for the warmth I can give them. Then they play with my hair, twirling it around their finger, caressing my cheek. And in an instant, they rip my hair out. Chunk by chunk. They pick and peel away the skin of my face. All I can do is sit and feel it, feel the blood trickle from my scalp down my face. I don't cry in these dreams. I sit and let it happen, when in real life I'm in bed clawing at my face, ripping my hair out. It carries on until my limbs are torn away from me, finger by finger, toe by toe. Then I jerk awake as the person reaches in my chest and clutches my heart: attempting to sever it from my chest.
I'm not even kidding you. I am terrified to sleep sometimes. Other times my brain just won't let me sleep.

Another thing. These false accusations made by dramatic people around me.
You commented on his status?
Yeah! I did! What of it?
whore.
HOW? How does that make me a whore?

He wants me, not you.
Does he really?
Yes, he does. He talks to me all the time.
Highly doubt that. I love him. He loves me. I rebuke, liar.

You're friends with her?
Yeah, I am. So if you wouldn't mind... I would really appreciate if you didn't hate on her with me right here
fake. we aren't friends anymore. Pick one. Me or her.
No. I love you both. Why?

i hate you.

I hate you
I hate her for trying to be me.
I hate who you wanted me to be, and I hate that I couldn't be her.
I hate that you think you know what I need. I hate that you're so wrong.
I hate this.
I hate that I can't hate you.
I hate how much I hate seeing her.
I. HATE. HER.
I hate that you're all gonna read this and think that I'm jealous.
I hate that I'm not. I really just hate you.
And I hate her for trying to be me.

Her fat legs will never. EVER. be me.
She won't put up with what I did.
She won't help fix you like I did.
I bet she won't give half as much as I gave you.

backstabbing. lowlife.
I know I had a thing with your ex.. but I stopped, and called the whole thing off, because, even though we weren't ever anything near friends, I RESPECTED you.

But, whatever, bitch.
eat my sloppy seconds. I truthfully could care so much less.

Ya know what I want?

You.
To
LEAVE
ME
ALONE.

It's been two days and you have finally seemed to receive my point.

and I am so happy about it.

love. [luhv]

love is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 

But love cannot be so easily defined, or even described.  
True love is an amazing, crazy, moving, and confusing mixture. 

Love is seeing the person that you feel for smiling at you, because you're smiling at them, because they're smiling at you. That's where it starts. The feelings deep in you, those that confuse you and make your heart soar all at the same time, they radiate through you heart over and over. Turning them over endlessly, working away the layer of uncertainty: unearthing raw, unexposed desire. New emotions ebb and flow, coursing through your veins. 

Next, in the middle of the night, you will find your mind delving deep into his eyes. The way that they glitter and shine whenever you're around. There your heart will stop, but only for a brief moment. Once you have recovered, your mind will fly: sending your thoughts reeling into his smile. The way his eyes crinkle in the slightest, most adorable way whenever he smiles at you. His arms and the security, the warmth in them, will radiate through your mind, encircling your heart. The beauty and joy it holds, the promise locked somewhere deep within it. 

It will really hit you hard when you first feel that pang in your stomach. The one that sets every butterfly ever hatched, loose in your tummy: nervousness growing. When you're standing in front of the mirror trying every single outfit on, hating each one, because they aren't fitting for how you want to look for him, it will swell inside you: the hope that he'll see you do it all for him. You dream and pray his feelings are just as eloquent. 

The feeling will grasp you tightly.  It will wear away that vulnerable layer on your heart... peeling away all layers of old hurt, clearing away to make a new surface to be etched with beautiful memories of the love that's to come. Every single tear drop of the past will come to life, turning to a rainbow illustrating the purpose they served. Your eyes were cleared of the way things were, and opened to what could be. All strain of your heart is not only gone, but worth it. 

All it takes is one kiss. A simple brush of the lips, and you feel it. The zing in your ears, the pounding in your heart. You'll just know.

free time? WHAT.

Started October 9th                                         Finished October 10th

I have a few moments this evening to just sit and ponder life. 

and let me tell you.

It's been a wild ride. 

There are the downs, but hey, there's never a rainbow with the rain. 

But today, today was a fairy tale. 

I got to be a teenager. What I have been needing to do forever. I have been wishing and waiting patiently for the first night where I get to be alone with my dear. I got be a cute silly girlfriend. We did typical love stuff. We started the night by shopping at JCP, he got the cutest sweatpants and the most comfy looking blue hoodie ever. The we saw some friends. Then, like a gentleman, he bought me some yummy starbucks. Seriously so good. We took a chance to sit and talk. And I enjoyed the lovely being that is my boyfriend. Let me tell you, I am amazed at the things I keep finding that make me fall more in love. 

There are so many amazing things, like his compassion, his love for music, and how much he cares. It's just so memorizing. I'm hooked. For sure. 

It's official. 

It doesn't help that he is uber adorable either. He looks at me with wide eyes, and my heart just melts into a puddle of mush. And don't even get me started on his puppy face. The cutest thing I have ever seen. 

Can you tell what I am feeling? Can you make a beautiful symphony from the beats of my racing heart?  There's a wondrous song in my heart I am trying to sing. But I just can't get it all out on paper. It's so perfect: words will never do justice. 

sniffles and snuggles.

The past events of this week have left me drained beyond belief.  I have thrown up, cried, and coughed enough for the rest of my life, just in the past day and a half.

Bless my sweet boyfriend's heart. He has been there so much lately. The sweet texts, the random phone calls, and the unwavering sympathy. I feel as though I have been asking so much of the people around me, when in all reality, I haven't asked for a damn thing. On the other hand, I have been silently begging for a little tenderness, and a little extra love. And everyone around me complies without question:
My momma knew I was feeling super awful, so she came home baring poptarts, liters of sprite, and lots of hugs.
My darling Abbey love, she called me out of no where just to make sure I was okay
and my sweet KC sat with me as I pathetically whined about how terrible I felt. He didn't leave my side. That sweetheart. He kissed my forehead and took every chance he could to make me smile. I love these people so much.

Sorry for the brief post. I have a butt load of homework to do.
Farewell for now <3

a lovely, well written, well deserved post

dedicated to whom?

You.

I've never been the best at elaborating on feelings, but I guess it's worth a shot.

I remember that Saturday full well. It was the eighth of September, a Saturday. The evening setting in, warm with a cool breeze, the kind that nips at your nose and tickles your toes. We were talking as you leaned against your car: your eyes shining and my hands shaking. I was stumbling over words and making myself a fool.
We talked and talked. Lazily letting everything and nothing roll from our lips. Eventually, that night with you came to an end, and I hesitantly turned to go to my car, holding tenderly to the hope that you would stop me there, beg me not to go. And you did just that. You reached your hand to me, and pulled me in, asking if you could have a good-night kiss, my answer was a simple Asian-eyed smile. Your arms wrapped around my waist and your lips brushed mine. I swear, the wind stopped there.

We ended up making plans to hang out again soon, I got those butterflies I always get with you, while I was getting ready. When we met up it was perfect, you were in your hoodie, the black one that I absolutely looove on you. The long talk we had previously, continued on, delving deeper into our lives, letting each other in a little bit further. You took the walls I had up and made them little twigs, crushing them with one simple breath-taking smile. And how could I forget when I "officially" met Todd. That was so silly.

September 14, the day you called me your girl. I wouldn't have been so taken aback if it weren't for a previous conversation we had had. "I just don't like labels, I'm not really wanting a relationship" that kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, I was more than okay with just laying low, who needs to rush things. But then you casually threw the idea out that I was yours. And I ate that shit up. Haha, I really did though. I wear that label proudly: hold it close to my heart and treasure it greatly.

Now, it's September 24, a few days after I came straightforward with my feelings, and I honestly cannot be happier. A month ago, I would have never guessed that this is where I would be. Where WE would be. But I'm so glad it turned out like this. The smiles that warm my heart, the hugs that make the world brighter, and the kisses that make my knees weak. I love it all.

Thank you, babe, for everything, the past three weeks have been simply divine. (:

what is the definition of a girlfriend/boyfriend?

Six months gone and I'm still reaching, even though I know you're not there.
I'm chasing down the hall, looking for memories, stories, or maybe a future.

Maybe this is another case of stupid Sunday evening blues.. But with the events of this past week. I just feel the need to decompress.

I wish the words flowed freely from my fingertips. The feeling and emotion coming effortlessly. I'm a wretched mess: my seams coming undone. I am a selfish daughter, a fish dying for water.
From a young age, I had to mature, and by no means am I complaining. I just want to feel something other than this.

(from last Sunday)

i have been so terrible at writing.

I have neglected my blog so much over the past few weeks. i promise, ill finish more posts soon!

your fingertips across my skin. the palm trees swaying in the wind.

I am beginning to seriously despise labels.

Now I live in a era where everything has to have a reason, or purpose, or label. You're either atheist or agnostic. Catholic or Jewish. Straight, bi, or gay. You're either dating or not.
Whatever the label might be, I really am starting to hate them all.
All I see labels doing to the world is segregating us. Just because we aren't the same type of person as you, just because she likes girls and you like guys, or because we aren't official... doesn't mean I have to be faithful. <<<<--- that crap seriously makes me mad.

I have grown up in a very orthodox Catholic family. Gays are weird, husband was meant to marry wife, not husband. Sex was made for man and woman for after marriage.

(unfinished from forever ago)

Pan!c, Needs, and Wants.

Well, today has been a jumble of curiosity, confusion, and tired blankness.
Bare with me, as my thoughts will more than likely not be complete, or make any sense. I have the worst case of the flu ever & a miserable cold. So I am super loopy on dayquil, nausea medicine, and lots of Tylenol pm.
But. There is a lovely Pan!c at the Disco Pandora station.. influencing my mind. Tricking it, in a sense, into an upbeat, "idgaf" mind-frame. Somehow influencing mood. I don't mind I guess. I have just been really happy lately. Until this shit storm of a sickness took me down.

Do you ever wonder when people are thinking of you, or if they even are at all? I have had this topic on my mind for quite sometime..
What if...
What if..

but that's no way to live. Thinking "what if."

oral cancer.

Oral cancer involves the lips or tongue, but often also involves the cheek lining, floor and roof of the mouth, and gums.
Most types of oral cancer are a type called squamous cell carcinomas, which spread very quickly.

To treat oral cancer, you can get small tumors removed, but often cases surgery and chemo therapy are needed in combination. If the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, surgery is not performed.

symptoms include:
difficulty swallowing
difficulty speaking
pain when swallowing/speaking
trouble eating due to limited haw movements
considerate weight loss

The next part of text I have copied from the info sheet, for it is too grotesque for me to type in my own words.

Expectations (prognosis)

Approximately half of people with oral cancer will live more than 5 years after they are diagnosed and treated. If the cancer is found early, before it has spread to other tissues, the cure rate is nearly 90%. However, more than half of oral cancers have already spread when the cancer is detected. Most have spread to the throat or neck.

About 1 in 4 persons with oral cancer die because of delayed diagnosis and treatment.

My grandmother was diagnosed with oral cancer last week. They aren't entirely sure what tissues it has spread to, they are pretty sure it has attacked her sinuses and her throat. 

I know you think, it's just oral cancer, it's treatable. But yet. She is a 70+ year old woman, who is nearly my size. 5'3 at most. She's frail. I'm just worried for her! Fight like a girl nanna. Here's to many more years, barking grandma! <3

fuck off.

my step dad is seriously pushing me to wits end.
how can you see into my eyes like open doors. leading you down into my core. where I've become so numb, without a soul
He seriously never stops. It's a vicious never ending cycle of every wrong I can ever cause. Swallowing each angry word, praying this doesn't escalate. Where the hell is my mother? It's 8:30.. She should be here.
Wake me up inside. I cant wake up. Call my name, and save me from the nothing I've become.
My right brain tells me I'm overreacting. I just need to lay back and let the music consume me and relax. But every other part of me wants to scream at him a rebel. Punch holes in walls and scream until my throat bleeds.
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul. Don't let me die here.

I've been living a lie. There's nothing inside.

I Don't Love You. by My Chemical Romance

Well, when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back 
I'll be off to find another way

And after all this time that you still owe 
You're still the good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out 
While you can

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It's where you oughta stay

And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up 
Better get up
While you can
Whoa, whooa

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Well come on, come on

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday"

I don't love you 
Like I loved you
Yesterday

I don't love you
Like I loved you 
Yesterday

So I have said good-bye to a certain person in my life,
One who had a very important influence on who I am right now. 
Yes, I am talking about him. 
The past, I feel, is something to learn from. 
I know now that I cannot allow myself to be so vulnerable. So open to someone that I tear myself down in the process. 
I now know what I deserve. I know how I should, and shouldn't, be treated. 

Yes, I feel terrible for hurting people to get here. And someday's it does hurt like all bloody hell, but I know what I have now is amazing. I am so lucky to have had everything in the past allude to this. 
I believe that right where I am right now is where I will always want to be. 

whatever tomorrow brings.

So yes, I have gone back on some decisions I made. No, I'm not sure that that was the best idea for myself, because I screwed over the love of my life, but now I have reached a peaceful spot in my life. With my best friend Abbey, my (boyfriend?) Anthony. <3 and happy as can be.

I have ruined myself lately by not trusting anyone... anything. Not listening to what very important people have to say. I let the little voices of anxiety rule. And in return.. I totally screwed myself over.

Now it's a delayed Sunday night.. (really Monday.) And I am reflecting on my week. Yes, I broke his heart. But I made another's whole. And most importantly.. I have mended the only heart that I should let matter when I get like this, mine.

I will be whole and myself again.
I know it.

this song applies to my life in so many aspects

for so many different reasons. this is my life.
i love snow patrol. <3

                                                       "This Isn't Everything You Are"

You can’t find the phone, so you can call it off
But it might be for the best
You can’t walk away, anyway
Because you’ve nowhere else to go

Is he worth all this, is it a simple yes?
Cause if you have to think, it’s f*cked
Feels like you loved him more, than he loved you
And you wish you’d never met

Don’t keel over now
Don’t keel over
Don’t keel over now
Don’t keel over

You’ve been up all night, and the night before
You’ve lost count of drinks and time
And your friends keep calling, worried sick
And there’s strangers everywhere

Don’t keel over now
Don’t keel over
Don’t keel over now
Don’t keel over

And in one little moment
It all implodes
But this isn’t everything you are

Breathe deeply in the silence
No sudden moves
This isn’t everything you are

Just take the hand that’s offered
And hold on tight
This isn’t everything you are

There’s joy not far from here, right
I know there is
This isn’t everything you are

When you took the call
How could you know
That he’d slipped away last night
And you wish you’d went home, days ago
To say goodbye or just hello

Don’t keel over now
Don’t keel over
Don’t keel over now
Don’t keel over

And in one little moment
It all implodes
But this isn’t everything you are

Breathe deeply in the silence
No sudden moves
This isn’t everything you are

Just take the hand that’s offered
And hold on tight
This isn’t everything you are

There’s joy not far from here, right
I know there is
This isn’t everything you are

This isn’t everything you are

This isn’t everything you are

no emotion means no fear.

but it also means no love.
or security .

no emotion means no desire to wake up,
to get up and move on with your life.

today.
i want to be okay.
today.
i want to stop the hate of my heart

i will be okay.

i will.

there's a smile. it starts in my eyes. radiates to my lips, and shines through my heart.
please don't ever fade, sweet smile.

mint m&m's and life.

I have no idea what to write about. I am too tired, too sick, and too fed up with everything to even formulate coherent sentences or even phrases. I hate writing complaining blogs. They suck to read, they're pointless, and I hate that people think that's all I write. So, instead I'll just ramble about things on my mind.




"Angels die, covered in white."

Why is my nose bleeding?

I should really go to bed earlier.

Wonder how work will go tonight. I really hope I don't say anything. I just. I don't want you to cut. I don't want to see you wince in pain every time you get them wet. Just please. Stop.

Homecoming should be fun. I got my dress!

I wonder how late I work tonight?

Jade. You sing so loud. Jesus.

I want to wear sparkle Toms of homecoming.

I love mint M&M's<3

I could really go for a vanilla coke right now. oooooh. and Chipolte Beef Jerky- from the Jerky Factory!

What's my momma doing? Is she thinking about me?

What about you. Are you thinking about me?

Probably not. I'm too tired. I'm going to go.

I wish I could make you disappear.

My step is trying to kill me. I can promise you I WILL lose it soon. I really want to move out. Is it two years away yet?

today I had a super productive day. people!

Let me just say, today was a great day, productively! The last two years I never handed anything in on time. I didn't care. I never once had an assignment in on time. And my goal for the week has been standing strong. I went to my earth measurements class and I had the assignment done, and when I got it back graded and the teacher read off names of people who he didn't get one from, I danced because I didn't hear my name. I didn't have to hear my name roll off his tongue dripping disappointment and anger.

goals for the year and pledges to myself.

So. I am going about this year entirely different than my past two. I will set goals, daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. Starting small with daily goals will show me that this is realistic. That I can do things: If I just set my mind to them. I will try to blog about my success (or failure) each week. And title it "Goals for the Week of ..." I invite you along on this journey with me. If this isn't what you want to read, don't hate me for saying this, but don't read it(:

I'm just going to jump in here and start with my goal for the next two years. Get. Into. UNL. What the entails is getting the required classes done and passed with flying colors. 

My goal for the year. Have at least a 3.0. Seeing as the past few years I didn't give a crap... I know what exactly NOT to do. Haha. Also. A word I am going to focus on this year. Prioritize!

Monthly Goal: Get EVERYTHING in. No zeros. At all. That's where I undoubtedly screwed myself over last year. I never turned a single thing in on time, let alone in at all. 

Weekly Goal: Get to class prepared and ready to learn. Not only physically prepared, but mentally. I like to let things at home and work carry over into school. Stress takes up my mind and I simply cannot focus on the task at hand. 

Daily Goal (for Wednesday): Cover all my books. And get all my papers signed. (I have to find them first... shoot. I'm already off to a bad start. But hey, it's never too late to start over. Each day in a new goal, and new shot at reaching higher goals!) 

Now for pledges to myself.

-I will forget past grudges. If I can change, so can anyone else. 

-I will learn to let people in.

-I will not let people get to me. 

-No more negativity. Hating is bad for your heart.

-I will not counter back when someone irritates me. That's petty. We aren't 6.

I'm sure there are many more. I'll add those to the Goals for Next Week post (:

goodnight all, rest well 

<3

so here we are

As my long day pours into a long night, I sit here and ponder my day. It was the first Monday of school, the first official week of my Junior year. And I started it sour. LATE. not many people know, but I have a set schedule.. the balance of things is set perfectly in my head (here's where you all find out how OCD I am) are you still with me? Alright. Picture this for me:
It's a lone Monday night: not a soul is texting me. Not even Anthony. There is slow, soft country music playing. I don't necessarily know if this is just my typical "Sunday Blues" carrying over to my Monday, but I can't help but feel like something is wrong. Maybe just maybe, I am not exactly what I should be this very moment.
My mind is always running, turning things over, analyzing my day, week, month, and even year.

I never got around to finishing this. So. I'll just post it and start on a fresh new post. A more... optimistic post I think..

love love love love love

I am going to make it a goal to write something, anything productive once a day. Between work, flag corps, and school, I feel this may be a little unrealistic, but I have high hopes! There is much more for me to write on, but I have found time a little lacking today. I really need to work on my time management.

beautiful disaster. Jon McLaughlin

She loves her mama's lemonade, 
Hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference, 
Between the lies and compliments. 
It's all the same if everybody leaves her. 

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough, 
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster, 
And she just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant, 
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction. 
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfections. 

She's not a drama queen, 
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen, but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

'Cause she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's OK.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her. 
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster, 

And she would change everything for happy ever after. 
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster, 

But she just needs someone to take her home
And she just needs someone to take her home.

I need a sign to let me know you're here, All of these lines are being crossed across the atmosphere, I need to know that things are going to look up: Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup.

There's no place safe,
and no safe place to put my head,
When you feel the world shake,
From the words that are said.


I won't give up if you don't give up. <3

I haven't written a long, meaningful blog, in sooo long. Soo. Here it goess. D:

Playground school bell rings, again.

Rain clouds come to play, again.

Has no one told you she's not breathing?

There are so many reasons I have to just up and leave. So many problems I can run from. So many people to avoid. But I can't. I have to be mature, face them.

Hello, I'm your mind

Giving you someone to talk to...

"She just wanted your help! That's what you have been asking for, Douglas! She asked you to help her check the fluids, THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED!"

"Why the hell did she drive it when it was running hot? Why Sue?! Yeah, why? Huh?! Exactly! Miss perfect isn't fucking perfect now!"

"She drove 5 fuckin blocks!"

"Normal people don't do that!!"

"So she isn't normal?! You know she goes there and feels safe!"

"That's bull shit..."

*something is thrown.*

...*door slams.*

*car door slams*

the only person I have in my life (& she doesn't even give a fuck) is gone. She drives away and leaves me in the middle of the storm. Raging.

Hello,

If I smile and don't believe.

Soon I know, I'll wake, from this dream.

"Kristen, I didn't know your mom was going to drive you to work tomorrow, that's why I went and checked it without you. I just wanted you to get to work safe, I love you"

                                                              please. gtfo.

Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken.

Hello, I'm the lie, living for you

So you can hide...

I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. 

"Kristen, please come downstairs! I have to show you something" my mom hollers to me.

"Kay."

"You know I love Doug more than I have ever loved anyone. But If things dont change in a few weeks. I just. I cant do it anymore. You're a sophomore, right? Well. We can do it. I know we can. I applied for a job at parkers. Ill have more money. We could move out, It will work. I don't know how much of that argument you heard, but Kristen. You did nothing wrong.. In fact you did everything right. I love you, please don't stress out about this. I don't need your stomach acting any worse than it is. You were so smart. We were not fighting about you. Please stay healthy, You need to, not only for you but me too. I love you."

Don't cry.

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping.

Hello, I'm still here

All that's left of yesterday.

Reply to I'm over it

Name:Kris Marie Marrero
Age:Sixteen
Birthday: November 6th
Location: Ashland Nebraska
Sign: Scorpio

INTERESTS

Favorite Bands:I love all music.
Favorite Movies: I don't watch many. But Wall-E. The notebook. Dear John, Fifty first dates. (:
FavoriteTV Channel: >.< Idk. I don't watch much tv. I like Glee. Whatever channel Glee is on! (:
Smoke:high off of love
Drink: Drunk off of hate
Drive: yup. crappy Mazda 626
Job: I work a Micky D's, betches. 
Piercings/tattoos: ears. I want to get my wrist tattoos. but I'm too scared. >.< I
Hair Color: Brown. But I'll be synthetic ginger soon.
Eye Color: Blue..ish. Green...ish
Contacts/Glasses: Yup. 
Pets: Yes ma'am
If yes, how many and what are their names? One lumpy puppy, Samuel. 
Description of your style: I love expressing my individuality. There really is no specific name for my style.

More Favorites:
Food: I love pasta. Pizza, and deserts. 
Snack: Fruit snacks! (:
Drink: Vanilla Coke or Nakked juice.
Animal: I love dogs. 
Holiday: Christmas, Halloween, or New Years
Season: late spring, early summer.
Sport: MARCHING BAND! (:
Place to shop: I love Rue 21, Gordmans, Khols, JC Penny. 
Clothing brand: uhm. I don't know. I like my Tripp Jeans. (:
Restaurant: Applebee's. Panera, Olive Garden
Fruit: I love fuji apples, Green grapes, cuties, and peaches. Strawberries, blueberries 
Magazine: Seventeen, Cosmopolitan
Vegetable: Asparagus, Tomato, Cucumber, Peas, Corn on the cob. 
Fast Food Restuarant: I really like Wendy's.
Genre: Country, Punk, Pop. Rock. Emo Core. Pretty much everything really. Oldies.
Pizza topping: Hamburger with green pepper.
Ice cream flavor: 'nilla!
City: I loved Chicago. 
Color: Purple
Number: uhm. Yours (;
Quotes: In the end, it will all be okay: If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Would you keep my secret? Yes ma'am
Would you laugh at my jokes? Hell yeah. (;
Would you go to concerts with me? We have very similar tastes in music, so definitely 
Would you go shopping with me? Yes! (: 
Would you not go to a party so you could stay with me if I was sick? I would ditch that party in a heartbeat, show up at your door in footie pajamas, and be by your side with some chicken soup, crackers, and Hawaiian Punch! 
What would you do to cheer me up? Bring you more chocolate, sing you silly songs, whatever it takes! (: 
What would you do to have fun? Be random, all that stuff (:
Can we take many many cute photos together? Already have, so let's take even more!! 

I know there is something more to us than our mistakes.

Show me how it ends, it's all right
Show me how defenseless you really are
Satisfied and empty inside
Well that's alright, let's give this another try

If you find your family don't you cry
In this land of make believe, dead and dry
You're so cold but you feel alive
Lay your hand on me one last time




The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it




We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves? 
Somewhere we live inside


And I remember everything,
Everything I loved,
I gave it away like it wasn't enough

Sometimes I feel so cold,

Like I'm waiting around all by myself

Loneliness gets so old

I'm in the lost and found sitting on a shelf

Can you feel the pains in life?

Wrapped around you like their chains,

Restricting all your dreams

Do you wonder if there is a way,

A way to set you free

Someday we will sail away,

Lifted up on wings like eagles

We will run and will not fade away.

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking

So is it you or is it me?

I know I said things that I didn't mean

But you should've known me by now

You should've known me

If you believed

When I said

I'd be better off without you

Then you never really knew me at all

If you believed

When I said

That I wouldn't be thinking about you

You thought you knew the truth but you're wrong

You're all that I need

Just tell me that you still believe

I can't undo the things that led us to this place

But I know there's something more to us than our mistakes

Yes, more lyrics. 

            More and 

                   more and 

                         more. 

They seem to be all that is making sense in my tangled web of thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

Exhaustion has taken over the walls and corridors of my brain. That's all I have been able to think about. 
School.
Family.
Work.
Relationships


School is almost over, but that just means more stress for me. I have to get all of my missing assignments in, I need to keep on top of everything. The tests I am taking not require hours of studying, hours I do not have. 


Family is so difficult. Hard to handle, hard to be around. Just plain terrible. I have no desire to be there. So I am spending so much time avoiding my step dad, avoiding sensitive topics with my mom. It's all just so.. exhausting. I have to tiptoe around my own house. 


Work.. I seriously. I cannot stand work right now. I have had many false accusations go around, and I have had to sit down and have talks with managers. It really makes me sick that people think I am so easy as to do something so... so WRONG. and so... unprofessional. It really makes me sick.


Relationships. My Kyle, my friends: Ivee, Darby, Victoria, Abbey. There are so many. I don't want to try for any of them. Part of me just wants to give up. Let go. Because I am so tired of trying and getting let down. But I love all of the people in my life. And I want to keep them all around. I want to see them all, every day. So I do things, without even knowing. I just. Blahhh


I need a nap, some serious Tylenol pm, and lots and lots of vanilla coke.  

I have found a new best friend

I wish I had known of you sooner.
You just made my life ten times better.
It's so easy now.

dear parents

you. seriously. need. to. stop. fighting.

This is so freaking ridiculous. I hate this. So much. I cannot stand living in this hell hole.

I hate my life. Someone hold me.

I've given up, on giving up slowly. I'm blending in so you won't even know me, apart from this whole world that shares my fate.

I'm sorry everyone.
I'm sorry I haven't written anything for your wanting minds.
I'm sorry that I'm crumbling into pieces before your waiting eyes.
I'm sorry that I still want him, and don't want you.
I'm sorry for being so out of it. My mind is so tired. Completely exhausted.
I'm sorry my mind can't wrap around what you are all asking of me.
I'm sorry I am trying so hard to be perfect.
I'm sorry that I'm failing at it so miserably.
I'm sorry for wanting to leave and start over somewhere new.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. 

I know I am posting so many lyrics, but they all say what I know I want to say, but am too afraid. If I say it all out loud, it will all become real, I'll be forced to come to terms with it all.

Be my escape?

I want to make you close your eyes.

Here we go again. 

Baby, we're invincible.

Shut up and smile.

Every time you lie.

Rerun

The first.

Everything you're not.

I caught myself.

Two is better than one.

Ohio is for lovers.

Remembering Sunday.

Ohio (Come back to Texas)

Stronger.

That's what you get.

Piece it together.

Misery. 

Someone like you.

Leave out all the rest

World of chances

The mess I made.

Too much. 

Endlessly.

The beauty of letting go.

Don't be afraid. 

Here we are.

Stay.


On your own.


Drowning desperately in red


Catch me on your way back down.




Let that be enough. - Switchfoot

I wish I had what I need 
To be on my own 
'Cause I feel so defeated 
And I'm feeling alone 

And it all seems so helpless 
And I have no plans 
I'm a plane in the sunset 
With nowhere to land 

And all I see 
It could never make me happy And all my sand castles 
Spend their time collapsing 

Let me know that You hear me 
Let me know Your touch 
Let me know that You love me 
Let that be enough 

It's my birthday tomorrow 
No one here could now 
I was born this Thursday 
22 years ago 

And I feel stuck 
Watching history repeating 
Yeah, who am I? 
Just a kid who knows he's needy 

Let me know that You hear me 
Let me know Your touch 
Let me know that You love me 
And let that be enough 

Today I am wanting someone.

I want someone.
someone to hold me all night,
someone's clothes to wear,
someone's love to giggle about.

But I know I cannot handle a relationship. I just cannot.
They are one of my biggest fears now. I know that is completely and totally irrational and stupid. But when I was hanging out with Jay, all I could think about was how he was different from Kyle, and in some cases that was simply the best thing ever. However, in others: it was horrible.

I see so many beautiful couples, and my heart sinks a little bit. They hold each other up when the other is weak, they whisper sweet words into each other's ear when they're sad. Girl's boyfriends bring them lunch, or flowers.   Boyfriends that care. A faithful girl runs into the waiting arms of her lover. I want to look at someone and see that he is already looking back: I want all of that. But my head and my heart are on two opposing teams right now.

My head tells me that someday someone will come along, whether it's this summer, next year, or when I am thirty, I know someone will come along and change the way I view relationships. He will be everything that I have hoped for and dreamed for.

But my heart, on the other hand, is as guarded as possible. My heart knows pain is an inevitable feat that I will someday have to deal with, again, but it doesn't want to. The way I see it, it's just not worth it. I'm so freaking scared.
scared.
scared.
scared.
SCARED.


I miss being younger. Life is getting thrown out in front of me, and don't get me wrong, I am excited as hell, but I yearn for when heartbreak was loosing my stuffed puppy, when the only reason I cried was when I didn't get to go where I wanted. I miss the innocence that I had when all of my brother's friends would make a joke that flew right over my head. Times when homework was a "mad minute" worksheet and spelling words.
Now homework is geometry, history, biology and literature, consisting of formulas, wars, punnet squares and reading the most uninteresting pieces of old American Literature. I know what heartbreak is now: it's your mother sleeping in her daughter's bed because she can't stand her husband. It's losing the love of your life. Those dirty jokes that are crude and nasty don't even phase me. I have a job, I have a car. A phone bill to pay. Insurance to pay for. Gas to pay for. College to save up for. It's all just so.. suffocating.

Life was so much simpler.

It never has taken much to make me whole entire day.
It's just finding someone who is willing to do all the small things, in big ways.

I stole this from Kendra! (:

A - Available? Yeah O_o
B - Best Friend(s)? There are so many. Abbey, Noah, Kendra, Darby, Rylee, Matthew. There are more. I am just super tired and know I am forgetting some. Im sorry ):
C - CRUSH? Uhm. Pass (;
D - DOGS NAME? Sammmmm
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO? Abbey, Kendra, Noah, Matthew.
F - Favorite Food? Goulash, pasta, bacon cheese burgers, chicken mcnuggets
G - GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS? worms!
H - HOMETOWN? Omaha
I - IF YOU COULD MOVE WOULD YOU? Yes
J - JOB? McSlave at McDonald's
K - KIDS. I want some someday, but the future may not hold that for me.
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE? 12+ hours
M - MILK FLAVOR? >.< white
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS. two biological, three step.
O - ONE WISH? love. I wish everyone would love unconditionally. everyone love everyone!
P - PHOBIA(S)? The dark, needles, crowds. and at the moment, I am scared of relationships.. big time. FEET
Q - FAVORITE QUOTE? "In the end, everything will be all right: If it's not all right, it's not the end."
R - REASON TO SMILE? My niece, the Marrero family <3
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD? Drink on it - Blake Shelton.
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP. 7am. Probably earlier
U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME? I don't want to say.
V - VEGETABLES YOU LOVE? Mixed ones! (: peas, and corn on the cob! Tomatoes, Asparagus, Cucumber.
W - WORST HABIT? nibbling on my nails >.<
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD? none.
Y - YOUR MOM? is an amazing woman. Susan
Z - ZODIAC SIGN? Scorpio.