first blog in quite sometime. /:

blogger decided to quit working on my laptop. I'm sorry for not blogging in a while. And I hate to let you all down with a sad post, but I have to let all of this out somehow.


I am having a massive insecurity attack at the moment. It's terrible and suffocating. These terrible nightmares have consumed every corner of my brain and are making me sick...
I see all the beautiful girls and shut down a little more. They don't feel sick all the time, their parents don't make them feel so hopeless that they shut down entirely.
I see the girls that wake up and have the energy, the strength, the hope to try... and shrink even further into myself.

You see, I've been insanely sick lately. Stomach problems, headaches, strange bruises... you name it. I came to the pathetic realization with Kyle the other day... that this all may very damn well be a result of all the emotional stress that I have been put under lately. The overbearing amount of stress from my family to be perfect, and to fulfill their wishes while still keeping my head above in every day life. The stress of school, and a stupid job that fails to tell you they don't need you anymore, so they leave you hanging. The stress of trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. It's just swallowing me whole... in turn comprimising my health.
I have anxiety and depression.. and lately they have just gotten worse.
This damn post is so poor me.
I sound sick.
BUT THAT'S JUST IT!!
If any of you really know me, you'd know I'm really a happy person. I love making people smile, and I love being with all of my friends.
I'm just so weighed down by all of this crap!
Like right now, as I type this from what is supposed to be the "home" computer my step dad is arguing with my mom about me being on it blogging.... because he can't see what I'm saying, adn he's just freakin' positive that I'm blogging about him. That I'm sitting here going on and on. But I'm not. I haven't said anything too far. Don't worry Doug, I don't have to tell the world your secrets for them to know just who you are. They already know.

On a different note. I almost got into an accident today. Scared the bejeebers out of me. There was this huge Hummer coming across the intersection, going at least 40. and I was going 25 on Euclid.. They sped through the stop sign and nearly hit me. If I would have been going any slower, or if I hit my brakes... I'd be crushed. So as a result of that I started feeling bad for feeling bad about myself... I just kind of have had a really down night. After that, I come home to make a pizza and go to sleep, but my step dad shuts off the oven and tells me I can't use it. So I go upstairs to sleep, but my little brother decides to scream "OH SH*T" at the top of his lungs forty times at his stupid play station. So I get up and go get some soup and drop my bowl. Yay.

I really don't want to feel down like this. I want to wake up wtih energy and feel beautiful. I want to wake up and have hope that something great will happen, not worry about what I have to do to sneak around Doug and avoid him at all costs. I want to see you in the halls and smile at you, all of you, with all of my teeth and mean it from every. single. part. of. my. heart.

Did I forget to mention? Today is Kyle's and I three year anniversary, three years since we fell in love. He was a freshman, I a seventh grader. Time flies.

I'm getting yelled at
"weren't you only supposed to be on the computer for 10 mintues?!"
so. bye guys.
hopefully it won't be so long til I am back again.