I have died everyday waiting for you, darling don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more

I should probably be doing my history project, but I really don't feel like it.
By the way, I am the new Sherlock Holmes. (;

I shall go job hunting today after I paint my heart out at play practice. :D
I cannot wait to be able to go back to youth group. I cannt wait to be surrounded by all my friends who are being themselves, being together. Youth Group, I miss you. </3

This weekend is slowly creeping up. And let me tell you, I could not be more excited to spend Saturday and satur...evening with Abbey Marie. :))))))))))
I feel like I have a safe place in her heart.
It's a safe quiet spot nestled away in our friendship. A place I can go when I'm scared, a place where I can be the real me, be free.
I have never been able to open up to someone so entirely, I can't tell you the last time I could sit with someone (other than Kyle) and do absolutely nothing... and have leave feeling so full of pure joy, pure bliss.

DINNNNNNNNNEEEEERRRRRRRR

I made dinner tonight, and I am getting all caught up on my homework, and after I finish my homework I am going to put on a face mask, paint my nails, and just enjoy myself, because you know what, I have earned it! My lovely is at work tonight until about 10ish. probably later.. so I will continue to take this evening for myself. Screw my parents being idiots upstairs, I am down here, and I am spending some much needed time on myself. So. There. Sigh. I very damn well deserve this!

stop right there

I woke up this morning in a decent mood. I talked to Mary yesterday, she did nothing but reassure me that everything will work out, told me that she will get me out of here, and I truly believe her. I have faith that she will get me somewhere safe.

You know what I just really can't understand? The fact that you are sitting here thinking your life is so gawd awful, when all you are doing it making it that way. You are making yourself miserable with your decisions. People have way worse things going on. We are all fighting our own kind of fight, some against the world, some against others, some against ourselves. And that's exactly what you are doing. Waging a war against yourself trying to become something you aren't. Or maybe it's something you are. I don't know. All I know is it makes me sick. That you feed on my miserablility. You syphon the joy and light in my eyes and expel it into the deapths of hell. You sick f*ck, I hate you. You make everyone feel sorry for you, because you know just about everyone who will walk your path will hate you, if they already don't. You're a old man, seriously. It's about time to GROW UP. I don't know what it is in you that makes me so sick, but part of me lusts to rip your moustche from your face and shove it down your throat.

Hahaha,I know she is sitting here reading this, thinking this is about her, but it is not. Because I have given up on that.

You know how I said we are all fighting our own fights?  I'm fighting against him. The man who is trying (and succeeding) to ruin my life.

So. I couldn't give a two f's if you hate me, I know you are going to sit here and continue to think and ponder what this is all about, but you know what this is about. Why? Becuase you were once my friend, you know all the crap that man has done to me. So. Go on hating me, spreading lies, and making my friends hate me. Because if they listened to you, they weren't true to begin with. I'll continue to respect you, continue to keep my mouth shut and my eyes averted, because I have other things in my life worth getting upset over.

It's raining outside, a chilly rain that nips at your bare skin, and tickles your eyes. But I couldn't be more happy about the weather. The day-time lightening, the thunder you feel rather than hear, and the tornado warnings. Most of all, I love what this weather means.
summer :D
I am so overjoyed for summer to be coming. So many things are signaling summer's arriving, the third quarter of school ending, It's almost March, and the rain, not snow.
This summer I will check everything off of my summer bucket list.
Yes, I do have one of those.
:)
Some of the things include,
kiss in the rain
dance under the stars
frolic through a beautiful field.
get lost in a corn field
have an epic mud fight / volleyball game
overcome my fear of lakes

things like that.
I am so excited,
Also, I am getting rather pumped that prom is coming up. It's coming soon. A night with my love, dancing, being close, having insane fun at post prom. Im just thrilled.
And lastly, I cannot and I mean just CANNOT wait for the trip to Worlds of Fun for band. I love band so much. I really hope I make colorgaurd :DDDDDDDDD

sorry for such random thoughts, it's just been one of those days, you know?
:)

I have so much to do!

I am at my best when my mind is fully consumed by other things, like homework, or when I'm babysitting or even cleaning. As long as my mind is engulfed in something, I'm fine.
Today I have so much to do.
I have to catch up om the thirty something assignments I have missing for various teachers, ones that I refused to do because I was too tired, too upset, or just had no energy to do.
Then I have a history test to take, a geometry test to take, a geography test to retake, and a Literature test to take. I have a history wikispace to finish, and I have to find a job. All while trying to avoid my stupid family.
You think I would be cracking under all this stress, but really.. I am just thriving. I have so much to do and I am constantly going, which is amazing. Because I go and go and go, then finally once I get the chance to sleep, my mind is just dead. It's acutally quite blissful.

69 things that make Kris Marie happy!

1. My cousin Celina Jade <3
2. My niece Savannah Michelle :)
3. babies, just in general <3
4. Abbey Marie Loughman (: <3
5. Kendra Sueeeeeee Ford!
6. Ivee Kay Bills. :)
7. Christian music
8. Katie Hope Niman!!
9. Darby Lynn Yocum ;)
10. music, in general.
11. My mother, because no matter how much she does to piss me off, she ALWAYS has my back <3
12. Anna Elizabeth Spears
13. vanilla coke
14. Skittles
15. The freeing feeling of writing something amazing. Something you know you could never explain aloud.
16. My daddy <3
17. Female empowerment songssssssssss
18. Looking into people's eyes
19. Snuggling with my doggie!
20. going to work :) I know you think Im crazy, but yes, I love going to work <3
21. Resting my head on someone's chest. :)
22. hot tea
23. my heated blanket!
24. pinterest <3
25. working out
26. good morning texts <3
27. cute pet names ;)
28. my loving, adoring, adorable boyfriend, Kyle Jacob Grinvalds <3
29. cuddling with said boyfriend :)
30. hanging out with the Loughman family <3
31. my stomach medicine... without it... I would hate life. hahahahah :P
32. blogger!!!!
33. sweet pea body wash/bodyspray/lotion from bath and body works <3
34. chicken mcnuggets with bbq:D
35. waffle cone wednesday.
36. Mary :)
37. Smilie faces :D :) C: :P =^.^=
38. polka dotted anything :)
39. eyes. I love seeing people's smiles reach their eyes :D
40. Kyle's numerous hoodies I have :) (the senior one is my faveeeee) ;)
41. having bare feet
42. blankies.
43. my whale pillow :D
44. no homo ;)
45.  Heather & Bill <3 <3 <3 <3
46. Bill's goofy personality
47. summer timeeeee xD
48. late night phone calls
49. Skype sessions, with anyone I loveeeeee :D
50. taking pictures. lots and lots of pictures
51. getting notes, for no reason at all :)
52. random kisses (or hugs) <3
53. really cute texts that come from absolutely no where :)
54. the way my whole house smells like my mommy after she showers
55. my room. :)
56. the little things. :)
57. the way I smell like Kyle after we hang out :)
58. my dog Sam <3
59. writing <3
60.  batman ;)
61. having good hair days. :)
62. my memory foam pillow
63. my big brother David <3 <3
64. my other big brother, Jermey <3 <3
65. sauage, kraut, and my momma's homemade potato dumplings
66. my free mp3 downloader thing :)
67. hearing someone say "You aren't alone, You know I'm right here"
68. forgiving
69. grace.

I have been working in this post since before my blogger decided to commit suicide. But now I shall post it. :)

first blog in quite sometime. /:

blogger decided to quit working on my laptop. I'm sorry for not blogging in a while. And I hate to let you all down with a sad post, but I have to let all of this out somehow.


I am having a massive insecurity attack at the moment. It's terrible and suffocating. These terrible nightmares have consumed every corner of my brain and are making me sick...
I see all the beautiful girls and shut down a little more. They don't feel sick all the time, their parents don't make them feel so hopeless that they shut down entirely.
I see the girls that wake up and have the energy, the strength, the hope to try... and shrink even further into myself.

You see, I've been insanely sick lately. Stomach problems, headaches, strange bruises... you name it. I came to the pathetic realization with Kyle the other day... that this all may very damn well be a result of all the emotional stress that I have been put under lately. The overbearing amount of stress from my family to be perfect, and to fulfill their wishes while still keeping my head above in every day life. The stress of school, and a stupid job that fails to tell you they don't need you anymore, so they leave you hanging. The stress of trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. It's just swallowing me whole... in turn comprimising my health.
I have anxiety and depression.. and lately they have just gotten worse.
This damn post is so poor me.
I sound sick.
BUT THAT'S JUST IT!!
If any of you really know me, you'd know I'm really a happy person. I love making people smile, and I love being with all of my friends.
I'm just so weighed down by all of this crap!
Like right now, as I type this from what is supposed to be the "home" computer my step dad is arguing with my mom about me being on it blogging.... because he can't see what I'm saying, adn he's just freakin' positive that I'm blogging about him. That I'm sitting here going on and on. But I'm not. I haven't said anything too far. Don't worry Doug, I don't have to tell the world your secrets for them to know just who you are. They already know.

On a different note. I almost got into an accident today. Scared the bejeebers out of me. There was this huge Hummer coming across the intersection, going at least 40. and I was going 25 on Euclid.. They sped through the stop sign and nearly hit me. If I would have been going any slower, or if I hit my brakes... I'd be crushed. So as a result of that I started feeling bad for feeling bad about myself... I just kind of have had a really down night. After that, I come home to make a pizza and go to sleep, but my step dad shuts off the oven and tells me I can't use it. So I go upstairs to sleep, but my little brother decides to scream "OH SH*T" at the top of his lungs forty times at his stupid play station. So I get up and go get some soup and drop my bowl. Yay.

I really don't want to feel down like this. I want to wake up wtih energy and feel beautiful. I want to wake up and have hope that something great will happen, not worry about what I have to do to sneak around Doug and avoid him at all costs. I want to see you in the halls and smile at you, all of you, with all of my teeth and mean it from every. single. part. of. my. heart.

Did I forget to mention? Today is Kyle's and I three year anniversary, three years since we fell in love. He was a freshman, I a seventh grader. Time flies.

I'm getting yelled at
"weren't you only supposed to be on the computer for 10 mintues?!"
so. bye guys.
hopefully it won't be so long til I am back again.