slow soft whipsers, they're all lulling me sweetly. Don't worry, you'll be nothing but a memory... soon

Tonight I am in an unexplainable mood. I want silence, but I can't stand it. I want sleep, but yet even the slightest wink won't cross my eyes. I hear Secondhand Serenade's End playing in my head everytime I close my eyes. Am I dying? Where is the end? When will it come? Will it be by my own hand, is that really what God wants for me?

The things are so confusing lately, I feel happy and fine, then something comes along and seems to take my happiness and suck it straight from me, leaving just a slow, dragging me to pick up the few pieces they've left, and smile. I can do it. I do, I do it every day of this twisted life.

This morning was amazing: Love, passion, and desire flowing freely from me, pouring from my fingertips to your sweet skin. An unspoken song, telling you exactly what my heart feels without saying a single word. I want to stay in those moments forever, because you are right there. You are all mine for that single moment, and I can just feel the pieces of me sewing themselves up.

School is a rather difficult task for me, ignorant people don't understand when you are having a bad day, they don't comprehend when you tell them that you can't handle their ridicule because you're too fucking depressed to even look in the mirror. But you know what, I take pride in the fact that when I tell you all that I'm okay, you believe me. All I have to do is smile, just once, and you believe me. Just ask me, how I really am. Don't get angry because I have suicidal thoughts, don't judge me when I say I cut myself to prove I can feel, don't say a word. Just hold me. Let me cry. Hard. Let me wash it all from inside me.

Another thing, if you are one of those fake friends, get the hell out of my life. I don't want to have you betray my trust AGAIN. Tell bullshit lies and take the very knife that makes me cut, and plunge it through my back. I don't need your negativity, your ignorance, or your fakeness. Go ruin someone else's life, mine is already in pieces.
I wish I meant all of what I just said, about hating you, but I can't. Because I know that people have really crappy lives. I get that and no matter how many times you betray my trust, stab my back, or slap me across the face, I will still leave a soft spot in my heart for you. I'll always be here, no matter what I say to you, I'll still have your back. I won't trash you behind your back, I'll let the sting of your lies roll off my shoulders and be okay. Remember that you too are broken, just like the rest of us.

You know how a girl washes her face and her mascara runs like the bajeebers..? Yeah, that's what I look like right now. Like death, I reak of tears and pure weakness. I'm shattered in pieces on the floor, and I just need to pick myself up. Glue the pieces back together for two more days. Then it's break and I don't have to put on a face. I can continue to hide in my room while my family's lives continue on without me. I'll crawl under the covers and go to my own place. My place of calmness. I'll ignore the knocks at my door. I'll forget that I have a phone. I'll just be with me. There won't be sleep, just a state of pure aloneness.
To be honest though, being alone scares me, half to death. I really fear myself sometimes. I know what I am capable of. I cannot run away from it. Just fade away slowly.

But I'm already fading.
Truth is, I'm gone.
Or maybe I wish I was.