feelings.

Word vomit seems to be a serious problem with me. I get upset, or overly happy, its usually the former: Then I talk and talk.
So you want to know what I'm feeling now.
Well. I'm worthless.
Last night I had the stupidest argument with my step dad, and it totally blew up in my face. He wouldn't let me shower. Whatever. I got upset and vented to my brother, and my step brother (Doug's son) over heard
e v e r y t h i n g. Then decided to go and tattle to his "daddy", this getting me in trouble. My mom wasn't home. She left me home alone with him without even telling me! She knows I can NOT handle that. Ever.
Doug freaked on me. I cried. Sobbed hopelessly for a few hours. Then mom came home. Aaaaaaaand then Doug saw that as an opportunity to take all his hate and aggression out on me, and tell mom just how big of a bitch I was being. How terrible I was being. When all I wanted to do was bathe. It's freaking bad enough that I don't feel safe at my house. HOUSE not home. Because home is where the heart is. And there sure as hell isn't heart there. But to not even be able to SHOWER. For Christ's sake!! I asked if I could take a bath after my youngest step brother (Tanner) got out of the shower, Doug said "I dont give a crap, but you have twenty mintues, I need hot water for my shower. Okay. Two things: One, how in the hell do I take a bath in twenty mintues. The WHOLE point of a bath is to soak and relax, not get in, out and done.
I guess I just feel really beaten down and alone. 

I feel like everything I do is wrong. There isn't a single thing I do right anymore. I can't even form a coherent sentence sometimes!
There aren't really words for how I feel right now.

So here are a few pictures that I found that sum up exactly how I feel

I kind of just feel like I look up to God and ask why? Why am I here? Why would you make me so stupid and wrong. Why can I not make people happy. Why, why, why?

Same kind of thing here. But it's raining. And the rain is symbolic of my lack of confidence, my insecurities, and all of the bull shit in my life raining down. Covering me. Drowning me, suffocating me.

I feel really small. Not in the sense of size, but in the sense that I feel like a child, small, helpless and scared. I want to be held. I want to cry and be young. Throw a stupid tantrum and have someone rub my back while I sob, shoulders shaking.

My fears are unspoken but true. If I could, I would show you everything. Everything in my heart.
A few songs that make me think
to make you think.
Colorblind by Counting Crows.
Never Alone by Jesse Bonanno