slow soft whipsers, they're all lulling me sweetly. Don't worry, you'll be nothing but a memory... soon

Tonight I am in an unexplainable mood. I want silence, but I can't stand it. I want sleep, but yet even the slightest wink won't cross my eyes. I hear Secondhand Serenade's End playing in my head everytime I close my eyes. Am I dying? Where is the end? When will it come? Will it be by my own hand, is that really what God wants for me?

The things are so confusing lately, I feel happy and fine, then something comes along and seems to take my happiness and suck it straight from me, leaving just a slow, dragging me to pick up the few pieces they've left, and smile. I can do it. I do, I do it every day of this twisted life.

This morning was amazing: Love, passion, and desire flowing freely from me, pouring from my fingertips to your sweet skin. An unspoken song, telling you exactly what my heart feels without saying a single word. I want to stay in those moments forever, because you are right there. You are all mine for that single moment, and I can just feel the pieces of me sewing themselves up.

School is a rather difficult task for me, ignorant people don't understand when you are having a bad day, they don't comprehend when you tell them that you can't handle their ridicule because you're too fucking depressed to even look in the mirror. But you know what, I take pride in the fact that when I tell you all that I'm okay, you believe me. All I have to do is smile, just once, and you believe me. Just ask me, how I really am. Don't get angry because I have suicidal thoughts, don't judge me when I say I cut myself to prove I can feel, don't say a word. Just hold me. Let me cry. Hard. Let me wash it all from inside me.

Another thing, if you are one of those fake friends, get the hell out of my life. I don't want to have you betray my trust AGAIN. Tell bullshit lies and take the very knife that makes me cut, and plunge it through my back. I don't need your negativity, your ignorance, or your fakeness. Go ruin someone else's life, mine is already in pieces.
I wish I meant all of what I just said, about hating you, but I can't. Because I know that people have really crappy lives. I get that and no matter how many times you betray my trust, stab my back, or slap me across the face, I will still leave a soft spot in my heart for you. I'll always be here, no matter what I say to you, I'll still have your back. I won't trash you behind your back, I'll let the sting of your lies roll off my shoulders and be okay. Remember that you too are broken, just like the rest of us.

You know how a girl washes her face and her mascara runs like the bajeebers..? Yeah, that's what I look like right now. Like death, I reak of tears and pure weakness. I'm shattered in pieces on the floor, and I just need to pick myself up. Glue the pieces back together for two more days. Then it's break and I don't have to put on a face. I can continue to hide in my room while my family's lives continue on without me. I'll crawl under the covers and go to my own place. My place of calmness. I'll ignore the knocks at my door. I'll forget that I have a phone. I'll just be with me. There won't be sleep, just a state of pure aloneness.
To be honest though, being alone scares me, half to death. I really fear myself sometimes. I know what I am capable of. I cannot run away from it. Just fade away slowly.

But I'm already fading.
Truth is, I'm gone.
Or maybe I wish I was.

"we are going to talk after dinner, so dont leave the table"

This was said to me tonight right as I got home from a long ass day at work. Sick kids = crying unhappy kids.
Before I continue, let me just tell you I am the kind of person who cannt stand waiting to talk about something. If something is on my mind, I hate waiting. Because when I have to wait it sits and eats at me. Piece by hopeless piece. I'll carry on with the story now.
My mom said this to me, and my heart seriously just stopped. I wanted to puke. She KNOWS I hate waiting to talk about crap. And she only makes me wait when it's something bad.
I asked her who exactly would be talking, and she said you, Doug, and I.
Any talk with Doug is not a talk. It's always just what I am doing wrong. What I can do to be perfect. How big of a bitch I am for not taking my shoes up to my room, even though I just took them off my feet. How I am such a terrible kid because I didn't shut my light out when I went downstairs to the bathroom (for two mintues)
We don't ever have talks. It's always sit and scream at Kristen, see just how hard we can make her cry. Let's call her all the nastiest things and then be her best friend tomorrow morning, pull her strings to let them fray.
See just how close we can get to her face before she cracks. See how loud I can scream.
But you are an asshole. What you don't see are cuts. And scars.


You don't see me slowly dying.

"People cry, not because they are weak. It's because the've been strong for too long."

feelings.

Word vomit seems to be a serious problem with me. I get upset, or overly happy, its usually the former: Then I talk and talk.
So you want to know what I'm feeling now.
Well. I'm worthless.
Last night I had the stupidest argument with my step dad, and it totally blew up in my face. He wouldn't let me shower. Whatever. I got upset and vented to my brother, and my step brother (Doug's son) over heard
e v e r y t h i n g. Then decided to go and tattle to his "daddy", this getting me in trouble. My mom wasn't home. She left me home alone with him without even telling me! She knows I can NOT handle that. Ever.
Doug freaked on me. I cried. Sobbed hopelessly for a few hours. Then mom came home. Aaaaaaaand then Doug saw that as an opportunity to take all his hate and aggression out on me, and tell mom just how big of a bitch I was being. How terrible I was being. When all I wanted to do was bathe. It's freaking bad enough that I don't feel safe at my house. HOUSE not home. Because home is where the heart is. And there sure as hell isn't heart there. But to not even be able to SHOWER. For Christ's sake!! I asked if I could take a bath after my youngest step brother (Tanner) got out of the shower, Doug said "I dont give a crap, but you have twenty mintues, I need hot water for my shower. Okay. Two things: One, how in the hell do I take a bath in twenty mintues. The WHOLE point of a bath is to soak and relax, not get in, out and done.
I guess I just feel really beaten down and alone. 

I feel like everything I do is wrong. There isn't a single thing I do right anymore. I can't even form a coherent sentence sometimes!
There aren't really words for how I feel right now.

So here are a few pictures that I found that sum up exactly how I feel

I kind of just feel like I look up to God and ask why? Why am I here? Why would you make me so stupid and wrong. Why can I not make people happy. Why, why, why?

Same kind of thing here. But it's raining. And the rain is symbolic of my lack of confidence, my insecurities, and all of the bull shit in my life raining down. Covering me. Drowning me, suffocating me.

I feel really small. Not in the sense of size, but in the sense that I feel like a child, small, helpless and scared. I want to be held. I want to cry and be young. Throw a stupid tantrum and have someone rub my back while I sob, shoulders shaking.

My fears are unspoken but true. If I could, I would show you everything. Everything in my heart.
A few songs that make me think
to make you think.
Colorblind by Counting Crows.
Never Alone by Jesse Bonanno

things to do!

This is the list of things I need to do today.
I am blogging them because I always seem to lose the lists I make and just end up worse off than before :)

-clean out my purse. it seems to have eaten last weeks paycheck

-take pictures at the game with Kyle :)

I still only have just a few of us.

-get all of my homework done.

history

geomerty

biology

study english!

--make up American History quiz

-weightlifting papers!!!!

-work on on-line classes

-get applications for a new job

-organize christmas list so I can get everything I need this weekend :))

-eat, at some point in time.

-clean my locker.

That's a lot more than I thought. =/

I think I will only follow though with the first two today. :) and maybe tackle some homework!

Also need to work sleep into there sometime. I got 4 hours of sleep last night. Bleh. Tonight my goal is to go to sleep by 11.

You see, last night I fell asleep on the phone with Kyle like usual, and kept having bad dreams so I woke up, then listened for a while to his melodic breathing, then whispered goodbye and hung up... at two am. and I couldn't fall back to sleep after that. so I rolled around in bed for another 45 mintues and finally passed out. Waking up (what felt like 5 mintues) later at 5:45 and got ready for the day. I have to admit, I love that I actually tried today and looked somewhat okay, but it was SOOOO not worth less than 4 hours of sleep for! haha :)

more later

<3

a happy post

While I spent the entire day lounging lazily in bed, recovering from a nasty cold, I pondered the many things in life that make me superfreakinghappy :)

(in no specific order)

1.) blogger, and the many blogs that open my eyes <3

2.) when I have good hair days :))

3.) the daycare kids from work.

4.) Coke :D regular or vanilla

5.) men's baggy sweatpants :D

I want these for Christmas!! <3

6.) my best friends. the ones from art and lunch :)

7.) south west chicken salad from runza!:D

8.) the artist chester see. He sings amazing songs

8.5 Pandoraaaa :))

8.7 MUSIC. in general <333333

9.) lace.

and anything vintage :)

                   



well. I think I hear shake and bake porkchops calling me.

ta ta fellow bloggers <3

"You write down a few senteces in your journal and sigh, This exhalation is not exhaustion but anticipation at the prospect of a wonderful tale exposing a notion that you only partly understand."

Forgive me for not being positive today, beloved followers. But I need to get this out some how.

I don't want to be immature and go ranting about how much I hate you, or how stupid and immature you are,  but I will say this much. And not just to you, to the whole world of people out there trying to ruin not only me but my happiness: Get a life. Please. And I mean that in a nice way. Find something that makes you happy. Like a puppy, or a hobby. Now directly at you again, open your mind to see that I have done not a single thing to make you say these things. So I have something you want, but isn't learning to let things go a part of life? Get over it, and while you're at it, YOURSELF.
I admit, I do not know you, your life, or the things that have happened in your life, but that does not show me any reason as to why you need to tear mine apart.
You see, in your mind, he is just some prize. Some item to be won, if you will. But to me, he is so much more than that. I care about his happiness, why the hell else would I have sat back and watched him be with you, without saying a word. If you care about him and like him so much, wouldn't you want nothing more than for him to be happy? I care about how he feels, rather than blowing up his phone with hurtful words towards someone he loves, or waiting for him at his house, or jeopardizing his relationship.


I can't even begin to tell you how small I feel right now. We just celebrated our one month anniversary, we just figured things out with my family, and we both just start getting back into the swing of happy, and here you come, with your twisted mind-set that you are so much better than we all are, thinking you are some perfect child, and that's just what you are a child, a vampire sucking the life out of me. Thinking you can take every one's happiness solely because you can't be happy. All because someone else, somewhere down along the line has made you cold. I can't believe I let you break me down like this, you're just a child. I can't believe it took you one class period to make those thoughts come back. To make me want to scream, yet curl up into a ball and wither away

I refuse to let you make me cold towards the world. BUT I also refuse to sit here and let you play your petty games. I really really wish you would just get over yourself, move on and let me be happy, FOR ONCE IN MY FREAKING LIFE! I did absolutely nothing to deserve you doing this to me. Now please, leave us alone. Leave me to sit here and sob until I cannot breathe. But most of all, stop sucking away at our happiness.

I wrote, and I feel better, but now I want to cry.

random questions :D

some random questions I found on a new blog I be followingg :)
I would love if you, my followers were to answer them also.
Lovesss

#1. What's a nickname only your family calls you?

Tinks, or Tinkie

#2. What's a weird habit of yours?

Well, always rub my eyes. all the time.

#3. Do you have any weird phobias?

Yes, I do. Crowds make me nervous, and I don't like ordering food from any sort of eatery. feet. i. hate. feet.

#4. What's a song you secretly LOVE to blast &&

belt out when you're alone?

Baby by Justin Bieber. O.O

#5. What's one of your biggest pet peeves?

 I canNOT stand when people tap their feet and it makes an obnoxious noise.

#6. What's one of your nervous habits?

I bite my nails. til they bleed.

#7. What side of the bed do you sleep on?

 I curl up wherever I pass out

#8. What was your first stuffed animal & it's name?

she was a begal pup. Her name is Winnie.

#9. What's the drink you ALWAYS order at starbucks?

A smoothie. Or carmel mocha with extra caramel

#10. What's the beauty rule you preach.. 

but never ACTUALLY practice?

Washing your face morning and night. ;)

#11. Which way do you face in the shower?

I face the curtain, ya gotta keep your eyes open for creepers! lol

#12. Do you have any 'weird' body 'skills'?

not really. ;)

#13. What's your favorite 'comfort food'/food thats 

'bad' but you love to eat it anyways?

cheesecake, oreos, skittles, chocolate.

#14. What's a phrase or exclamation you always say?

uh duh, of course, and Im sorry.

#15. Time to sleep- what are you ACTUALLY wearing?

panties and a bra, or a big tshirt ;)