sniffles and snuggles.

The past events of this week have left me drained beyond belief.  I have thrown up, cried, and coughed enough for the rest of my life, just in the past day and a half.

Bless my sweet boyfriend's heart. He has been there so much lately. The sweet texts, the random phone calls, and the unwavering sympathy. I feel as though I have been asking so much of the people around me, when in all reality, I haven't asked for a damn thing. On the other hand, I have been silently begging for a little tenderness, and a little extra love. And everyone around me complies without question:
My momma knew I was feeling super awful, so she came home baring poptarts, liters of sprite, and lots of hugs.
My darling Abbey love, she called me out of no where just to make sure I was okay
and my sweet KC sat with me as I pathetically whined about how terrible I felt. He didn't leave my side. That sweetheart. He kissed my forehead and took every chance he could to make me smile. I love these people so much.

Sorry for the brief post. I have a butt load of homework to do.
Farewell for now <3

a lovely, well written, well deserved post

dedicated to whom?

You.

I've never been the best at elaborating on feelings, but I guess it's worth a shot.

I remember that Saturday full well. It was the eighth of September, a Saturday. The evening setting in, warm with a cool breeze, the kind that nips at your nose and tickles your toes. We were talking as you leaned against your car: your eyes shining and my hands shaking. I was stumbling over words and making myself a fool.
We talked and talked. Lazily letting everything and nothing roll from our lips. Eventually, that night with you came to an end, and I hesitantly turned to go to my car, holding tenderly to the hope that you would stop me there, beg me not to go. And you did just that. You reached your hand to me, and pulled me in, asking if you could have a good-night kiss, my answer was a simple Asian-eyed smile. Your arms wrapped around my waist and your lips brushed mine. I swear, the wind stopped there.

We ended up making plans to hang out again soon, I got those butterflies I always get with you, while I was getting ready. When we met up it was perfect, you were in your hoodie, the black one that I absolutely looove on you. The long talk we had previously, continued on, delving deeper into our lives, letting each other in a little bit further. You took the walls I had up and made them little twigs, crushing them with one simple breath-taking smile. And how could I forget when I "officially" met Todd. That was so silly.

September 14, the day you called me your girl. I wouldn't have been so taken aback if it weren't for a previous conversation we had had. "I just don't like labels, I'm not really wanting a relationship" that kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, I was more than okay with just laying low, who needs to rush things. But then you casually threw the idea out that I was yours. And I ate that shit up. Haha, I really did though. I wear that label proudly: hold it close to my heart and treasure it greatly.

Now, it's September 24, a few days after I came straightforward with my feelings, and I honestly cannot be happier. A month ago, I would have never guessed that this is where I would be. Where WE would be. But I'm so glad it turned out like this. The smiles that warm my heart, the hugs that make the world brighter, and the kisses that make my knees weak. I love it all.

Thank you, babe, for everything, the past three weeks have been simply divine. (:

what is the definition of a girlfriend/boyfriend?

Six months gone and I'm still reaching, even though I know you're not there.
I'm chasing down the hall, looking for memories, stories, or maybe a future.

Maybe this is another case of stupid Sunday evening blues.. But with the events of this past week. I just feel the need to decompress.

I wish the words flowed freely from my fingertips. The feeling and emotion coming effortlessly. I'm a wretched mess: my seams coming undone. I am a selfish daughter, a fish dying for water.
From a young age, I had to mature, and by no means am I complaining. I just want to feel something other than this.

(from last Sunday)

i have been so terrible at writing.

I have neglected my blog so much over the past few weeks. i promise, ill finish more posts soon!

your fingertips across my skin. the palm trees swaying in the wind.

I am beginning to seriously despise labels.

Now I live in a era where everything has to have a reason, or purpose, or label. You're either atheist or agnostic. Catholic or Jewish. Straight, bi, or gay. You're either dating or not.
Whatever the label might be, I really am starting to hate them all.
All I see labels doing to the world is segregating us. Just because we aren't the same type of person as you, just because she likes girls and you like guys, or because we aren't official... doesn't mean I have to be faithful. <<<<--- that crap seriously makes me mad.

I have grown up in a very orthodox Catholic family. Gays are weird, husband was meant to marry wife, not husband. Sex was made for man and woman for after marriage.

(unfinished from forever ago)

Pan!c, Needs, and Wants.

Well, today has been a jumble of curiosity, confusion, and tired blankness.
Bare with me, as my thoughts will more than likely not be complete, or make any sense. I have the worst case of the flu ever & a miserable cold. So I am super loopy on dayquil, nausea medicine, and lots of Tylenol pm.
But. There is a lovely Pan!c at the Disco Pandora station.. influencing my mind. Tricking it, in a sense, into an upbeat, "idgaf" mind-frame. Somehow influencing mood. I don't mind I guess. I have just been really happy lately. Until this shit storm of a sickness took me down.

Do you ever wonder when people are thinking of you, or if they even are at all? I have had this topic on my mind for quite sometime..
What if...
What if..

but that's no way to live. Thinking "what if."

oral cancer.

Oral cancer involves the lips or tongue, but often also involves the cheek lining, floor and roof of the mouth, and gums.
Most types of oral cancer are a type called squamous cell carcinomas, which spread very quickly.

To treat oral cancer, you can get small tumors removed, but often cases surgery and chemo therapy are needed in combination. If the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, surgery is not performed.

symptoms include:
difficulty swallowing
difficulty speaking
pain when swallowing/speaking
trouble eating due to limited haw movements
considerate weight loss

The next part of text I have copied from the info sheet, for it is too grotesque for me to type in my own words.

Expectations (prognosis)

Approximately half of people with oral cancer will live more than 5 years after they are diagnosed and treated. If the cancer is found early, before it has spread to other tissues, the cure rate is nearly 90%. However, more than half of oral cancers have already spread when the cancer is detected. Most have spread to the throat or neck.

About 1 in 4 persons with oral cancer die because of delayed diagnosis and treatment.

My grandmother was diagnosed with oral cancer last week. They aren't entirely sure what tissues it has spread to, they are pretty sure it has attacked her sinuses and her throat. 

I know you think, it's just oral cancer, it's treatable. But yet. She is a 70+ year old woman, who is nearly my size. 5'3 at most. She's frail. I'm just worried for her! Fight like a girl nanna. Here's to many more years, barking grandma! <3

fuck off.

my step dad is seriously pushing me to wits end.
how can you see into my eyes like open doors. leading you down into my core. where I've become so numb, without a soul
He seriously never stops. It's a vicious never ending cycle of every wrong I can ever cause. Swallowing each angry word, praying this doesn't escalate. Where the hell is my mother? It's 8:30.. She should be here.
Wake me up inside. I cant wake up. Call my name, and save me from the nothing I've become.
My right brain tells me I'm overreacting. I just need to lay back and let the music consume me and relax. But every other part of me wants to scream at him a rebel. Punch holes in walls and scream until my throat bleeds.
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul. Don't let me die here.

I've been living a lie. There's nothing inside.

I Don't Love You. by My Chemical Romance

Well, when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back 
I'll be off to find another way

And after all this time that you still owe 
You're still the good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out 
While you can

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It's where you oughta stay

And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up 
Better get up
While you can
Whoa, whooa

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Well come on, come on

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday"

I don't love you 
Like I loved you
Yesterday

I don't love you
Like I loved you 
Yesterday

So I have said good-bye to a certain person in my life,
One who had a very important influence on who I am right now. 
Yes, I am talking about him. 
The past, I feel, is something to learn from. 
I know now that I cannot allow myself to be so vulnerable. So open to someone that I tear myself down in the process. 
I now know what I deserve. I know how I should, and shouldn't, be treated. 

Yes, I feel terrible for hurting people to get here. And someday's it does hurt like all bloody hell, but I know what I have now is amazing. I am so lucky to have had everything in the past allude to this. 
I believe that right where I am right now is where I will always want to be. 

whatever tomorrow brings.

So yes, I have gone back on some decisions I made. No, I'm not sure that that was the best idea for myself, because I screwed over the love of my life, but now I have reached a peaceful spot in my life. With my best friend Abbey, my (boyfriend?) Anthony. <3 and happy as can be.

I have ruined myself lately by not trusting anyone... anything. Not listening to what very important people have to say. I let the little voices of anxiety rule. And in return.. I totally screwed myself over.

Now it's a delayed Sunday night.. (really Monday.) And I am reflecting on my week. Yes, I broke his heart. But I made another's whole. And most importantly.. I have mended the only heart that I should let matter when I get like this, mine.

I will be whole and myself again.
I know it.