do you know where you heart is, do you think you can find it? Or did you trade it for somethin, somewhere better just to have it? Do you know where your love is, do you think that you lost it? You felt it so strong, but nothing's turned out how you wanted

In a fit of insecurity, restlessness, and anxiety there is nothing to but let the words flow. Release the ebb and flow from my heart. I cannot seem to keep anything in lately. I have resorted to the terrible, immature, selfish, rude person I was before the accident.
So in a desperate attempt to reunite my body with the calm, collected mindset I tried sooo hard to achieve. I will spill it all.

Well bless my soul, you're a lonely soul.
Cause you won't let go, of anything you hold.

Sitting in my basement, alone, with my phone at my side, praying I can just ignore it. So that someone, anyone would text me, want me. need me. But I was failed.
So I couldn't help but think. Turn things over in my mind.
What do you need, Kristen Marie, for things to be what you want them to be? What needs to happen for it all to just fall into place?

Well, all I need, is the air I breathe,
and a place to rest my head.

I need to have a family that wants me. A family that loves me.
A father is someone I little girl can look up to, someone who is tender when needed, and a firm only when necessary. A little girl should seek, and find comfort in a fathers arms.
I want to feel wanted. By my family. By my boyfriend. By anyone.
That's such a diserable feeling, and I want to feel it.
I want to feel like someone is going out of their way, because I am going out of my way for many people, only to be faced with a cold wall.

Do you know what your fate is? And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and your best luck, you're praying that you make it.
Well bless my soul, you're a lonely soul,
cause you won't let go, of anything you hold.

Kyle and I have been great. When he was sick, I felt like he needed me. He felt so miserable, so terribly ill, and he wanted nothing more than to feel better. To be comforted. He kept telling me how thankful he was that I was so understanding about him complaining, and about him not answering. The numerous times he had reminded me that he loved me, it was all so sweet. But what he doesn't see is that there is nothing to thank me for, I WANT to do these things for him when he is sick, when he is well, and when he is away. I want all of him, for all of forever. I love him, so much. I just have no more words on this subject.
Actually, scratch that. I have something else to say.
I have learned that guys, too, get the feeling that they want to be held. Guys get insecure and they get jealous, they are just too damn good at hiding it. You know what I have to say to that? STOP HIDING. I am in love with you, and only you, my darling. There isn't a thing about you I am not willing to love. I love every part of you, your mind, body, and soul.

Well, all I need is the air I breathe,
and a place to rest my head.
I said all I need is the air I breathe,
and a place to rest my head.

If I could erase my past, sometimes I think I would.
Forget the name that hangs from my lips, forget the sting in my throat I get whenever I see a tall man with hair thats so blonde it's white. I would erase all the pain that I let myself endure. They don't know everything. They don't know just how far you let things get before I snapped and refused to let myself be your toy. You tried to pin it all on me, but you sick fuck, no one belived you. Your parents couldn't buy their way out of this one, so you made it all a little game. Certain words and certain people still, to this day, make me sick. You may have ripped through my skin, but I refuse to let you rip through my heart. I have Kyle now, and he knows all about you.  And to be entirely honest with you, he wants your head on a mother f*cking STICK. I don't think I will ever forget the night I told him. I sat shaking in my closet, hiding from you, but you weren't even there, I cried to him about it all, told him every detail. Told him all about the way you held me down, he knows about the way I'd cover bruises on my face, the outlines of your fingers.

Do you think you can find it, better than you had it?
I said, all I need,
is the air I breathe, and place to rest my head.

But then I remeber the good things.. and feel terrible for ever wanting to change my past.
My dad's brother, Mark, was my best friend. I called him my uncle Moose. He would always find a way to make me smile. Even when he wasn't happy himself. I look at myself today and ask, "are you making your uncle Moose proud? Is he looking down on his little pumpkin and smiling?" 
There also was my niece, Alexis. She was a beautiful little girl. She has her daddy's eyes, and her grandma's curls. But sadly, she has her mothers home. Far far away. Wherever she is, I hope she is asking about us all. Asking why her first word was mullet. I pray her mother is telling her it was her dad, and her auntie kiss uncle daydid, and papa that tought her that.

Do you know where the end is?
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there, fo on, go ahead and scream it
just say it.