From August (never got around to posting)

So here we are again ol followers of ye, we've popped the cork on another long school year. But this year is a teeeeny bit more important. I am embarking on the final year of my high school education. That's right boys, I'M A SENIOR.
I have been dreaming of this day since I was a small girl, tugging my moms pleated slacks while looking up wide-eyed at her, starting the ever-ending rant about what I wanted to do when "I was a grown up." Time has flown by eluding me to the ever important question.

 "What am I doing with my life?" 

You see I have always wondered what I would do, what I could accomplish and now that I'm here... I honestly have absolutely no idea what I want to do. I can hardly think of what I want to eat for dinner, let alone pick one thing to do for the rest of my life. The past twelve years have all been a set plan for me, something I was forced to do. And now that I will soon have the responsibility of dictating myself and making my own decisions I'm terribly afraid I will make the wrong decision and end up ruining the next forty years of my life. You could say I'm a bit anxious but don't think I'm not excited.

There has been so many amazing chances and ideas I have tried to set for my life.

I know it's no easy, I know that it's hard.

I have burnt numerous bridges lately. A lot. And my life has continued to change drastically.
After I so painfully etched certain people out of my life, I began to learn so much more about myself.

There is a lot on my mind today.

Faith.. or the lack of.
What kind of woman I should be,
how much I hate school.
How I can't write my feelings down for shit anymore.

I really wish there was more length and thought into this post. But I have simply just lost it.

a walk in my shoes.

I have been going through a hailstorm of life lately. Caught in the undertow of the trials and tribulations of teenage life. The struggle on how fast to mature. The difficulty in trying to understand that you must first lose yourself completely in order to find who you really are, only to discover that the two are polar opposites, is a really suffocating and bone chilling thought.
Lately, I've been someone I don't know. Take a shot to the chest and fall endlessly, soaring higher and higher, getting deeper and deeper: landing myself on a whole new uncharted level. Losing my mind and losing my sense of left and right. Only looking forward to my next chance to fall. I'd trip and cascade into a world that was so much more meaningful. But in finding that world, I lost my real world. My solitude.

A few events had caused me to dive so willingly into a secure escape: The pressure from my parents to conform, piles of stress from work and school. I fell victim to all of the things surrounding me and let them swallow me whole. See, that's the lesson here. Or so I think... Don't let life gobble you up.. it will consume you, rip you to shreds then spit you out then walk all over you. Continue to hurt and it will kick you as you lie there, bashing your bones in until you hurt so bad you can't move.

Now here I am. Sober mind, solid chest and hurting heart. What to think? What to do.

Inner turmoil.

My walls are breaking. I am trying to hard to stand tall as the world crumbles around me, but I'm going down. And it'll all be over with one swift and simple. crash.

breathe. what have i done here?

This blog is all at random. It may not, probably won't, make any sense.
sorry.

There has been an immense amount of "crap" surrounding me lately.

The death of my Uncle Jesse David shook my world a week ago. A week and it still hurts. It's still fresh in my mind. He really was a great man; never had a negative word to say about anyone. Me? I don't have the self control he had. I am so awful in the sense that I can't handle my reactions to things. And lately I have had an even more difficult time dealing with everything.

I have earthquake dreams. They shake me to the core and I don't like it. I can't stand it.

In no way is this a pity party for Kris by the way. Simply a chance for me to vent. Don't like me? Then get the hell off my blog. You're here to make sure I'm not writing about you? Then leave, because this isn't about you. This one's about me. Judge what you want. I'm just being real. Trying to make sense of my crazy, amazing, perfectly imperfect life.

My dreams. Well, nightmares. They come within the first 10 minutes of me falling asleep. They hang over me as a cloud. Haunting me as I lie in bed, desperately reach for some sleep.  I close my eyes and the darkness is illuminated by a shadow. Someone's outstretched arms pulling me in, yearning for the warmth I can give them. Then they play with my hair, twirling it around their finger, caressing my cheek. And in an instant, they rip my hair out. Chunk by chunk. They pick and peel away the skin of my face. All I can do is sit and feel it, feel the blood trickle from my scalp down my face. I don't cry in these dreams. I sit and let it happen, when in real life I'm in bed clawing at my face, ripping my hair out. It carries on until my limbs are torn away from me, finger by finger, toe by toe. Then I jerk awake as the person reaches in my chest and clutches my heart: attempting to sever it from my chest.
I'm not even kidding you. I am terrified to sleep sometimes. Other times my brain just won't let me sleep.

Another thing. These false accusations made by dramatic people around me.
You commented on his status?
Yeah! I did! What of it?
whore.
HOW? How does that make me a whore?

He wants me, not you.
Does he really?
Yes, he does. He talks to me all the time.
Highly doubt that. I love him. He loves me. I rebuke, liar.

You're friends with her?
Yeah, I am. So if you wouldn't mind... I would really appreciate if you didn't hate on her with me right here
fake. we aren't friends anymore. Pick one. Me or her.
No. I love you both. Why?

i hate you.

I hate you
I hate her for trying to be me.
I hate who you wanted me to be, and I hate that I couldn't be her.
I hate that you think you know what I need. I hate that you're so wrong.
I hate this.
I hate that I can't hate you.
I hate how much I hate seeing her.
I. HATE. HER.
I hate that you're all gonna read this and think that I'm jealous.
I hate that I'm not. I really just hate you.
And I hate her for trying to be me.

Her fat legs will never. EVER. be me.
She won't put up with what I did.
She won't help fix you like I did.
I bet she won't give half as much as I gave you.

backstabbing. lowlife.
I know I had a thing with your ex.. but I stopped, and called the whole thing off, because, even though we weren't ever anything near friends, I RESPECTED you.

But, whatever, bitch.
eat my sloppy seconds. I truthfully could care so much less.

Ya know what I want?

You.
To
LEAVE
ME
ALONE.

It's been two days and you have finally seemed to receive my point.

and I am so happy about it.

love. [luhv]

love is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 

But love cannot be so easily defined, or even described.  
True love is an amazing, crazy, moving, and confusing mixture. 

Love is seeing the person that you feel for smiling at you, because you're smiling at them, because they're smiling at you. That's where it starts. The feelings deep in you, those that confuse you and make your heart soar all at the same time, they radiate through you heart over and over. Turning them over endlessly, working away the layer of uncertainty: unearthing raw, unexposed desire. New emotions ebb and flow, coursing through your veins. 

Next, in the middle of the night, you will find your mind delving deep into his eyes. The way that they glitter and shine whenever you're around. There your heart will stop, but only for a brief moment. Once you have recovered, your mind will fly: sending your thoughts reeling into his smile. The way his eyes crinkle in the slightest, most adorable way whenever he smiles at you. His arms and the security, the warmth in them, will radiate through your mind, encircling your heart. The beauty and joy it holds, the promise locked somewhere deep within it. 

It will really hit you hard when you first feel that pang in your stomach. The one that sets every butterfly ever hatched, loose in your tummy: nervousness growing. When you're standing in front of the mirror trying every single outfit on, hating each one, because they aren't fitting for how you want to look for him, it will swell inside you: the hope that he'll see you do it all for him. You dream and pray his feelings are just as eloquent. 

The feeling will grasp you tightly.  It will wear away that vulnerable layer on your heart... peeling away all layers of old hurt, clearing away to make a new surface to be etched with beautiful memories of the love that's to come. Every single tear drop of the past will come to life, turning to a rainbow illustrating the purpose they served. Your eyes were cleared of the way things were, and opened to what could be. All strain of your heart is not only gone, but worth it. 

All it takes is one kiss. A simple brush of the lips, and you feel it. The zing in your ears, the pounding in your heart. You'll just know.