So. Here's it all.

I have had so much happen the past month. I should have seen it all coming. I really should have, but I was naive. My fault, entirely for believing that things could possibly be different this time around. Hahaha, I sound pathetic. But I'm really not. I swear.
On another note. I would really like to talk about the people in my life.

Mom- I know our bond is something that is confusing. But lately you have been more and more distant. You've been defending him, taking his side and fighting against me. Why? Don't you love me? Can't you see just how unbearably miserable I really am...? Look and you will see the scars you claimed you never saw. Open your tired eyes just a little more and see just how much I guard my heart from you and everyone else. Just look. That's all I'm asking. See just how terribly he treats you.

 this is my family. in the back: oldest brother Jeremy, second eldest David, Doug, step brother Ryan, step brother Tanner. Then me, my momma, and my step sissy <3

Dad - my daddy. I haven't talked to you lately. I honestly can't tell you why. Maybe it's because I really can't bring it to tell you that I'm hurting. Because you can't make it better. No one can. It's just me, myself, and I. I don't really have much else to you. But please know, you have done nothing wrong. I love you so much dad, you've taught me who to become.

This picture is super old, and terrible. I was sun burnt really bad on my face. /:

Darby- We both are going through a very similar thing, but in entirely different ways. Haha. That will make sense to no one. But. You have been here through it all lately. And you know what is wrong with just a single look at me. Thank you, doll. For helping me. I feel like we aren't as close. I really really want to change that.

                                                    oh Darby, this picture is so us <3 :)

Ivee- Oh, Ivee. Your wise words, and beautiful smiles have kept me going. You weren't like everyone else, sugar coating what I would feel. You told me straight and although it didn't prepare me for what was to come, it showed me how predictable he was. Showed me that eventually this would be okay. Thank you, also. I love you

Kendra- My amazing Kendra. That one little Skype call, when I didn't even know what I was doing actually made me smile. A lot. I really can't put into words how you have helped me. It's just been great. I hate that you are so smart and don't have to come to school anymore, because I miss you. Sooo freaking much. You were like my other half. Bleh. Come back. Because I need you /:

I sadly don't have a picture of us. They are all on my phone and it's def not working right /:

Katie- Katie Bear, Baby girl, Sweetie. Whatever it is, you are my sister. Your family has welcomed me more than my own has these past few months, and I could never thank any of you enough. I really love how you are always smiling for me. Your arms are always hugging me, even if I don't know it, you are always there. <3 God has really blessed me with you. And for that I am so so so so so thankful.

same here /:

Abbey- Abs! Where to start, where to start? Ahaha. The phone calls and texts to me lately have helped so stinkin' much. Thank you cutie. Thank you for making every day in art an adventure. You always have that huge smile on your face, and it's contagious. Thank you for listening to my endless rants. My pointless bullsh and all the times you've let me cry. Thank you! I love you. x side ways 8 ;) bee tee dubs, Jamal is almost here!!! :D

wow. this post really makes me want to figure out what the hell is wrong with my phone /:

Noah- one of my very best friends. Your goofiness and happiness make me crazy sometimes. But I love it :) Thanks for always believing in me. Never giving up on me, even when I know you wanted to.

Action shot :) pahaha

Savannah :) - my darling niece. Your 7 month birthday was this month <3 I love watching you grow. Watching your features from your precious face. I love you so much. I just want to say that you always remind me to have hope. The innocence in your beautiful blue eyes, the smile that has never known pain cross your lips and I want to hold you forever. Keep you away from all harm. Shelter you from any pain. Thank you boo boos for keeping my spirits high <3

 did I mention she loves her feet? :)

Jacob Steven- Jake. You, you have been such an amazing friend. I can always count on you to be there. Always. and that's amazing. You even woke up at two am just to talk to me. That will stick with me always. Thank you for always having my back. You know, I got yours too hun! <3 Keep smiling. cause i love you

Tara- sissy! God put you not only in my brother's life, but mine too. and that's amazing. You've been my personal cheerleader, shoulder to cry on, best friend, and big sister lately. Thank you for that. I am so happy your life as a Marrero will be starting soon. <3

Zachery- I just started talking to you again. But I am so glad we did. That text meant the world to me. I am so glad we have gotten the chance to talk. :)

So. If you aren't on this post, it does NOT mean I don't love you, or aren't thankful for you, because I'm thankful for all of you.

On another note. I honestly cannot seem to rid me of myself lately. I can't get these horrible thoughts out of my tired mind. I can't stop seeing how terrible things are. Usually I can just snap myself out of it, but lately I have just been drowning in all of my insecurities.

Vampire my Mat Musto.
"Everyone here is a vampire, sucking the life out of me.Everyone here's got their demons, I traded mine in for a dream. I'm falling out of her world. And going out of my mind. I'm wide awake and searching for answers now, where did you go? If I'm my own worst enemy... I'm ready to fight 'til the death of me"

I guess there was really no point to any of this. I just needed to clear my mind and get all the weight off my shoulders.
I'm hopelessly, helplessly trying so hard to be okay.
I'm not going to lie.
I hate myself today.

It never gets easier, you just get better.

I have so many MANY things to be happy for.
There have been some terrible ass things in my life, I'm not going to lie, but there are so many amazing people in my life who have helped me more than I know. Their prayers, hugs, and amazing words of advice have kept me going.. even when I didn't want to.

I'm sorry I haven't posted my blog every day january things, I promise you, once I get a little time, I will make up all of them :)

I'd really like to take a second and not ask God or my friends, or anyone for anything (because we all know we, even without knowing, expect things from people) and just thank you all for everything I have. I saw two quotes that said "What if you wake up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for yesterday." And "Let your past make you better, not bitter."

So my friends, followers, and everyone else, thank you. For believing in me, loving me, and having faith in me, even when I couldn't find strength to have faith in myself <3